You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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