Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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