Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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