My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
