I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
