Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
