My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
