I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
