he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
