guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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