The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
