he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
