i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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