i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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