i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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