is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
