The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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