I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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