I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
