worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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