I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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