i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
