He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
