Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
