I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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