I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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