separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
