so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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