Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hope mine doesn't look like that
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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