so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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