wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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