I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
two words...techno handjob
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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