I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
