I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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