I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I need a burrito and a hug.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Randomize
