I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
