he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
