What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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