I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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