I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
