Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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