since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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