Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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