i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My boob is missing a layer of skin
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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