I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
