How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
