Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
