P.S. I can't hear my feet
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
