True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
