Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
