Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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