Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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