I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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