dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
