peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize