shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
